Things in the shape of the Virgin Mary VS. “That’s what she said”

Things in the shape of the Virgin Mary

The 10 Commandments. The Shroud of Turin.

A cornflake.

The good lawd chooses strange vessels for his message. And while vessels like Morgan Freeman and Alanis Morissette are definitely strange, at least they make some sense. Unless the rumors are true and you’re Dave Coulier, and that bitch calls you in the middle of dinner. I mean, fuck that – you’re the only thing standing between three wily girls and Bob Saget, and fucking Kimmy Gibbler keeps stopping by in a clearly coke-induced stupor so she can skull fuck John Stamos with a glow-in-the-dark 80s strap-on (as if there’s any other kind), and now on top of it all Alanis “Jagged Pill” Morisette is interrupting meatloaf night?!!??

Sorry, sometimes I just go there and it’s hard to come back.

What I’m trying to say is, a message of hope to humanity probably won’t come in the form of a pretzel:

McDonald’s dipping sauce policy VS. R.E.M’s “End of the World” video

McDonald’s dipping sauce policy

Outrageously un-American!

McDonald’s, creator of succulent death-nuggets and other tasty but deadly “food,” has hurled shit in the face of decency by introducing a Dipping Sauce Policy more evil than Bristol Palin’s demon seed (ooh, right off the bat!).

Granted, I ripped this photo off The Grammar Vandal, a Batman-esque vigilante doing dangerous but important editing work on the streets of Boston. But the McDonald’s in NYC post the message, too.

The sauce – like air and the infinite love of Christ – is free, you fucks. I used to have so many Sweet & Sour cartons I could have built a flotilla of them and conquered Asia Minor. Now, they want to stick us to these rigid “6 Piece = 1 Sauce” guidelines that have me rationing off dips-per-nugget like some sort of Anne Frank.