Fun With Mommy’s Oxycontin VS. Young Master Pimpy

Fun With Mommy’s Oxycontin

Back in my home town, a highly organized ring of prescription drug dealers just got busted, ruining the weekend for untold numbers of high school children. Apparently they were stocked with everything from Adderrall and oxycodone to something called lorazepam, which sounds more like a mythical dragon friend than a euphoria-inducing narcotic, but what the fuck do I know?

A couple lines that need call-outs immediately:

• Last June, a 17- and 16-year-old boyfriend-girlfriend team went on a burglary and robbery spree (Um. Hot.)
• “I’ve been to more wakes than I’ve been to birthday parties” (Someone get this poor bastard a whale cake)

I mean it’s gotta be hard for these kids. In the face of a major life-altering dilemma like, say, reading The Great Gatsby, who can deny the need for a Vicodin-amphetimine-and-Banker’s Club cocktail? Hell, I used to toss those puppies back after a hard day at Vacation Bible Camp.

While I had to do unspeakable things to get my admittedly less badass 40 of Bud Ice (like actually trust real-life poor people with my money), all these punks do is raid Mommy’s stash.

Then again, you gotta count the Jenga pile of deadsies for something. If my generation glanced askew at their generation in the locker room, I feel like my generation would get some intense death-toll envy.

So although the way they score their scoobie snacks is lame-pants, they upped the ante with dramatic lines about going to more graveyards than Chuck E. Cheeses.

Fun With Mommy’s Oxycontin is Awesomely Badass.

VS.

Young Master Pimpy

Let’s pull a Good Morning America here  and superficially gloss over a social paradox:

When a male teacher has sex with an underage female student, she is a victim. When a female teacher has sex with an underage male student, he becomes Dr. Pimptastico, Master of Worlds! (c)

But is there any room in this runaway American dream for an enterprising lad who wants to take Chris Brown’s advice and (oh you think I’m going for it…I’m going for it, right? It’s coooooming!!!!) double the pleasure, double the fun? (AND I FAKE IT TO THE RIGHT! SHA-SNAP!!)

Well if there is a boy who can land not one but TWO of his own teacher, he must surely be the chosen one sent to save us from war, destruction and chicken nugget scandals. So let’s take a quick flight to Bountiful, Utah (too easy), where we’ll meet Young Master Pimpy.

Young Master Pimpy was not like the other boys. As they played with the single 1993 Happy Meal toy that fell into the godless nowhere pit that is Utah, this 13-year-old reached out both hands and pulled in a sweet babalicious with each one. Except in reality they’re putrid sewer lepers, but YoungMP gets credit for juggling the beasties while staying o-so-fly.

The affairs went on for months, and after sex YoungMP would roll over, turn on Shark Week and demand Double Stuf Oreos. Pretty much your average healthy sexual relationship, in other words.

It was game over when one of the bitchez got whack and narked on the extra-curricular activities, but Young Master Pimpy emerged Awesomely Badass.

WINNER: Fun With Mommy’s Oxycontin may be cutting down high school kids like oregano in a dime bag, but Young Master Pimpy is shooting down cougers from the cradle.

Young Master Pimpy is Awesomely Badass.