Martha’s Explodi-Pooch VS. “I Would Do Anything for Tripp” (But I Won’t Do That..)

Martha’s Explodi-Pooch

It’s been a pretty wet-N-wild news week:

• After a brutal beating, Rihanna Jim Cramer went back to Chris Brown Jon Stewart and promised this time it will be different, he’ll see!
• NYPD broke up an America’s Top Model mob battle before the inevitable love-making could ensue
• and Bernie Madoff’s awesome hair was incarcerated with the rest of him:

But despite all that crap, Martha Stewart managed to pull into the lead with the most (literally) explosive story of all!

HER DOG EXPLODED! OMFG I DIDN’T KNOW THEY COULD DO THAT!!!

Wee Genghis Khan, a fluffy bear-dog thing, died tragically in a propane-fueled megablast that also killed several non-celebrity dogs. Though the thought of dead puppies makes my soul weep tears of unfathomable sadness, there was at least one accidentally hilarious thing to come of this:

“Though badly burned, Kleinhagen [the propane delivery man] managed to toss a cairn terrier over the kennel fence to safety.”

Let’s just say that if I were all burny and trapped in a raging inferno, my first instinct would NOT be to grab a hot woofie and chuck it through the sky like a flaming death rocket, hoping against hope it might land in a conveniently located kiddie pool or something equally cinematic.

But it was a good thing this guy was there and not me, because the dog (whose name, somewhat ironically, turns out to be Chilli) survived both the blast and the free-throw-at-the-buzzer. He is set to bravely attend Genghis Khan’s funeral and will later appear on Oprah to recount his harrowing tail. ZING!

Anyway RIP, Genghis. He lived so fast and died so hard, which makes Martha’s Explodi-Pooch Awesomely Tragical.

VS.

“I Would Do Anything for Tripp” (But I Won’t Do That..)

The first line I wrote on this blog took a swipe at Bristol Palin, but I decided to lay off after that (despite my burning desire for “Oh Shit Babe, It Broke!” the Bristol/Levi reality show I could not get off the ground). Not to mention I haven’t written in several month, but fuck that. You’ll eat when I feed you, bitches.

But now it looks like Tripp — their baby who comes straight off Mama Sarah’s Top Ten Coke Induced Children’s Names — is going to be raised in a broken igloo.

Levi and Bristol broke up! Shockwaves through the core of your being, I know. Take a second; remember how to breathe.

I’ll venture a guess and say being a papi totally fucks up bro time and getting stoned at the 7-11, taking a few semis down to the quarry and shooting at bottles of Bud Heavy. I may not have grown up in Alaska, but my ability to blindly stereotype unseen people and lands is a gift, I’m told.

I can’t hang the guy any better than he hangs himself, though, so let’s let Levi guest blog for a Juneau Minute:

“I’d give anything for [Tripp], to be with him,” he said. “[There are] a lot of changes when you’re a father, when you hold him for the first time, you know. I don’t do a lot of things I used to anymore, I’ll tell you that.”

“Yeah, [I'm] growing up a lot,” he added. “So, it’s fun. It’s good times.”

Asked if he felt any pressure from the Palin family, Johnston said he did not.

“No,” he said. “Not at all.”

At this point in the interview, Sarah Palin shifted the gun slightly to avoid fucking up Levi’s hair too much. He still had the photo shoot, ya know.

Now regardless of the fact that I don’t want MyBlogIsAnAwesomeBlog going too political, Palins and Palin-associates will always be fair game here. Why? It ain’t their politics, homie. They can deny evolution and let Jesus touch them all night long. Have fun with that.

No, the reason I will take any and every nut-shot I can is because that bitch shoots wolves,

AND THAT SHIT DOES NOT FLY HERE.

No, I don’t know what to feel about this video, either.

Levi Would Do Anything For Tripp, as long as it involves chillen n shyt. Awesomely Tragical.

WINNER: “I Would Do Anything For Tripp (But I Won’t Do That) may stir up some of your daddy issues, but all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Martha’s Explodi-Pooch together again.

Martha’s Explodi-Pooch is Awesomely Tragical.