Narrator Voice Overs VS. Unlikely Duos

Narrator Voice Overs

I would not, in fact, “be the world’s greatest detective.”

I know I’ve claimed to have superhuman abilities of observation and deduction, but I’ve also claimed my bladder could hold a full gallon of urine, and that my blood contained the cure for HIV. So I want to feel special, sue me.

Anyway, I would suck at being a detective because without someone telling me exactly what’s going on, my brain automatically invents theories that are, as a Perkins waitress once told me, “full of bat-shit crazy.”

Quick example: I once reasoned, in all seriousness, that a bird must have flown into my apartment and stolen the last boston cream doughnut. My main piece of evidence was that I lived on the 4th floor, and cats cannot fly.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift VS. The Apocalypse

The Fast and the Furious: Toky Drift

Everyone’s got their little guilty pleasures, you know.

Some people know all the words to MmmBop and sing them quietly in the shower, hoping today will be different. Some people keep a small unmarked bottle of Popov vodka on their person and pour it into literally everything they drink, including other vodka. Some people have every episode of Passions on homemade DVDs they got off eBay last June, and god help the person who doesn’t return the episode where you find out Vincent Crane is an intersexual who got pregnant with his own father’s son. Just, god fucking help you.

So in comparison to those snack-sized bites of human misery, my own guilty pleasure doesn’t seem so bad. And in honor of the upcoming sequel, I will openly admit it: I love The Fast and the Furious movies.

And I like Tokyo Drift the best.

Fun With Mommy’s Oxycontin VS. Young Master Pimpy

Fun With Mommy’s Oxycontin

Back in my home town, a highly organized ring of prescription drug dealers just got busted, ruining the weekend for untold numbers of high school children. Apparently they were stocked with everything from Adderrall and oxycodone to something called lorazepam, which sounds more like a mythical dragon friend than a euphoria-inducing narcotic, but what the fuck do I know?

A couple lines that need call-outs immediately:

Rush Limbaugh VS. Joe the Biden

Rush Limbaugh

Rushbo has challenged Bam Bam to a duel! Of words!

No one really expects O to play ball since, let’s face it, it’s sort of unbecoming for the leader of the free world to accept random pissing match invites. Unless it’s from Hil, then it’s a manhood thing and who can blame him.

But for all his wacky shock jock exploits, Rush has quite a way with power. When elected officials are shining his shoes and miss a spot, he kicks them  in their malnourished orphan ribs, pulls them off the ground by their malnourished orphan ears, and makes them apologize as the dark wet spot spreading from their groin erases any last vestige of dignity.