My New Hideous Disease VS. Trenton, New Jersey

My New Hideous Disease

A wise soul once said, “Beer, the cause of — and solution to — all of life’s problems.” It was probably Plato or Amy Winehouse or Muhammad (may peace be upon him), I always get those three mixed up. What matters is that truer words have never been spoken, because out of nowhere beer has created My New Hideous Disease, and will (maybe) heal it.

Now as long as I’ve been drinking heavily, I’ve managed to look really good doing it. It also makes me sing good and be hilarious and a great fighter and dancer and impervious to bullets and gravity and the law. But starting last month, every time I take a few sips of beer my face turns bright red and splotchy like some kind terrifying leper-Muppet.

Out of nowhere I have developed an allergic reaction to booze. In the words of the Internet, Fuck My Life.

McDonald’s dipping sauce policy VS. R.E.M’s “End of the World” video

McDonald’s dipping sauce policy

Outrageously un-American!

McDonald’s, creator of succulent death-nuggets and other tasty but deadly “food,” has hurled shit in the face of decency by introducing a Dipping Sauce Policy more evil than Bristol Palin’s demon seed (ooh, right off the bat!).

Granted, I ripped this photo off The Grammar Vandal, a Batman-esque vigilante doing dangerous but important editing work on the streets of Boston. But the McDonald’s in NYC post the message, too.

The sauce – like air and the infinite love of Christ – is free, you fucks. I used to have so many Sweet & Sour cartons I could have built a flotilla of them and conquered Asia Minor. Now, they want to stick us to these rigid “6 Piece = 1 Sauce” guidelines that have me rationing off dips-per-nugget like some sort of Anne Frank.