Michael Jackson Phones Home VS. Roommate of the Corn Gets an iPhone

Michael Jackson Phone Home

To a nation in mourning over the untimely passing of a Pop Legend:

Re. Fucking. Lax.

Would you cry like this if your Magic Bullet Blender died? Unless you had formed an illicit (and may I say dangerous) relationship based on its riveting vibrations, then no madam, you would not. That’s because the Magic Bullet Blender, although still able to make us feel something, is a machine, and we don’t cry over machines.

Swine Flu VS. Who Do I Have to Assassinate For A God Damn Blood Orange?

Swine Flu

Who’da thunk that pigs, of all things, would take down the mighty dynasty that is man? Lizards, sure. They have mean eyes. Even cats, because I don’t put shit past those bastards.

But piggies? Sweet, delicious bacon supremes? You were our friends, dammit! Why in God’s Sweet Fuck would you leave the comfort of my charbroiled Whopper deluxe to become some stupid deadly flu?

Martha’s Explodi-Pooch VS. “I Would Do Anything for Tripp” (But I Won’t Do That..)

Martha’s Explodi-Pooch

It’s been a pretty wet-N-wild news week:

• After a brutal beating, Rihanna Jim Cramer went back to Chris Brown Jon Stewart and promised this time it will be different, he’ll see!
• NYPD broke up an America’s Top Model mob battle before the inevitable love-making could ensue
• and Bernie Madoff’s awesome hair was incarcerated with the rest of him:

But despite all that crap, Martha Stewart managed to pull into the lead with the most (literally) explosive story of all!